Life to the Full

“I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” - Jesus

I read these words of Jesus, and then look at this life I am expected to live and have to wonder: Is this the life “to the full” that Jesus was talking about? Did he intend for me to work 40-50 hours a week at a job that I don’t really enjoy in order to make ends meet? Did he intend me to have to scrimp and save for 45 years so that I can have a comfortable retirement? Did he really mean that I should spend the best years of my life stuck in some office, working for someone else, so that I can buy a nice house, car, and clothes? Was this meaningless work the life to the full that was promised to me? My mind keeps screaming that it isn’t, yet I am told at every turn, by everyone I know, that that life is the life waiting for me after college. I was grown up expecting that life after school, yet as it draws nearer and nearer the feeling wells up greater and greater that it is not right. Yet, what then am I supposed to do? What is the life to the full?

I think those are questions for another night.

Capitalism, Values, Thoughts, the Future, and Starbucks

Anyone who has listened to the “Religious” Right has heard that that America is a Christian nation. In fact, it seems to blasphemy to even suggest otherwise. All I can say is that I pray that they are wrong.

Whenever anyone tries to talk bad about capitalism its defenders rush in and loudly proclaim that there isn’t any other system that works as well, that produces as much prosperity, as much wealth. That is probably true. Certainly if you look at the nations of the world, those who have adopted freer markets have gotten wealthier, but should that be the end result of an economic system, wealth? The defenders also point out the efficiency of the system, which again is very true. There is not another system that produces things as efficient, but should the only measure of an economic system be its efficiency? What about the humans in the system? Do they not count? Sure, the system may create the most wealth, and be efficient, but what about the people who are completely screwed over by such the system? Do they just not count? How can any Christian simply discount those people, write them off as a loss? I don't know what a better system would be, but why this apparent blin loyalty to Capitalism?

I don’t know how Christians can work for corporations who care more about the bottom line than people. Although, if they didn’t I don’t know how they would be able to support themselves…..maybe all is lost, values are worthless, you can only have them when you are able to, but it is impossible to have values in all aspects of life, so you might as well give up now. Give in, give up, it is hopeless. Values are only for those who have money; unfortunately, to get money you have to give up your values, at least for a while, if not that, at least alter them enough so that what you are doing doesn’t get in the way.

Why did God give us values, morals, if they are impossible to live with? How am I supposed to live, to make money, to support myself, not even counting my family I hope to have, without compromising my values, my morals? Do I just stand on the street corner? But even that wouldn’t work. Do I just make my wife work, so that I don’t have to compromise my values? Or do I just say screw it all, throw what I think to the wind and go whore myself to the highest bidder.

And what do I think? I don’t know…..well….I do know, but I don’t know it in words. It is so frustrating. I have all these thoughts in my head, but getting them out seems impossible. When I try to describe it, it seems like trying to describe a color to a blind man. I can see it clearly, makes perfect sense to me, but I have no words in which to describe it. No frame of reference in which to make it clear. When I do try it just comes out in random ramblings, never really getting the true point across, just a bunch of incoherent words. They don’t even make sense to me, and I am the one who said them. I feel like I should be shouting from the rooftops, but when I open my mouth, nothing comes out; I have no words with which to shout. I look at others who are able to express themselves so easily, describe what they are thinking, with envy. When asked I usually say I don’t know what I am thinking, which isn’t really true because I know exactly what I am thinking, but I couldn’t possibly tell you. I couldn’t even tell myself if I had to do it in words.

I really don’t want to get a job. I know that sounds very lazy and un-American of me, but I don’t care. I don’t mean I don’t want to work, I have no problem with working, but at least at the moment, I am so sickened and tired of the “American Dream”. I don’t want a 9-5 job that I will have until I am 65. I don’t want a house with a picket fence in a nice neighborhood. I don’t want to look forward to weekends, holidays, and vacation days. I don’t want to have to worry about saving for college for my kids, saving up for that big vacation, for that new car, a new house, for retirement. I don’t want to look forward to retirement when I will be able to not work. I am not exactly sure what I want to do, but I do know what I don’t want to do. Although, I don’t know how I am supposed to live in this country not doing any of these things.

I have really come to love Starbucks and Starbucks like establishments. This morning I slowly woke up, took a leisurely shower, had a nice breakfast (omelet and bacon), then went to Starbucks ordered a large Chai tea latte and a pumpkin scone, and sat in a soft cushioned chair for a couple of hours listening to music and breaking in a new journal my mom bought for me. I think that is what I want to do for the rest of my life.

I Want to Scream, I Want to Cry

Apathetic, lost, confused, frustrated, lonely, scared, disappointed, angry. These are just a few of the things I’m feeling right now, and yet even this list doesn’t seem to adequately describe what I’m feeling. I feel like I want to fight someone. I feel like I want to scream out in anger. I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. I feel like I want to punch someone. I feel like I need a hug. I feel like I want to get into a heated argument. I feel like I could stare at a wall for hours. I feel like I want to yell profanities during that argument

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My mind is all fragments, like someone shattered it with a hammer. I can’t focus on anything, as soon as I get one thought something else comes and washes it away.

I am looking forward to spring break, I like to think that the break will help, but I keep thinking it won’t. I haven’t been doing anything other than going to classes for school for the past week or two, so it’s not like I need a break from that. I haven’t studied for a test, probably won’t study for the finals, haven’t written a word on a major argument paper due Tuesday. We gave short presentations on these papers Thursday. I went up not knowing what I was going to say, which is something that I have never done before, but I simply couldn’t make myself care at all. I rambled for a few minutes, not really arguing anything coherently. No one really knew what I was trying to argue and so my teacher asked me what my thesis was. I considered for a moment trying to make up something on the spot, but instead I laughed and said, “I don’t know”. My general ramblings was about school, and the teacher was attempting to defend college classes, saying they make you think. As she was saying this I did something I had never done before, I very visibly rolled my eyes and guffawed and said very plainly that she was completely wrong. I had disagreed with a teacher before, but never in such a manner, I had always been polite and considerate.

I don’t think my problem is school, for it is now the weekend, and I don’t feel any better. Yesterday I started to feel a little better, but today I feel as bad if not worse than ever. I don’t know why either. Nothing happened, there was nothing I was hoping to happen that didn’t happen. I just woke up this morning feeling this way, just like I have for the past week or more. I don’t want to be alone, yet the only comfort I’ve been able to find is sitting in my room alone with the lights out and my headphones on, staring at nothing.

I could really use a stiff drink.

The Wonder of Kids

Is there anything more wonderful than a young kid? So full of hope, so full of wonder, no fear, no worries, just running around with a smile on their face, exploring, playing, learning.

As I sit here and write I am watching this kid with a big grin on his face following his dad around. They walk into the room together and the kid runs straight to the piano and starts pounding on it, he quickly moves on from there to explore underneath the piano, trying the different pedals he finds there. The dad heads for the door but the kid beats him there, pushing the door open with all his might. He gets to the second set of doors and can’t quite push them open despite his best effort, luckily his dad is right there to help. Once outside he runs around near his dad as his dad talks on a cell phone. The kid is exploring, discovering, touching and absorbing everything he sees. The dad heads for the doors again and the kid once again attempts to push the door open. He tries one door, it doesn’t work, so he tries the other, not knowing that he must pull on this side of the door; this doesn’t stop him from putting up a valiant effort though. The dad reaches for the handle and the kid does likewise, helping his dad. He reaches the other set of doors and the kid once again tries to push them, when that doesn’t work he quickly uses his new knowledge and reaches for the handle and pulls it open for his father. He runs in with his father in tow, the father catches up and they walk up the stairs together, hand in hand, out of sight but not out of mind.

Is there anything more wonderful than a young kid?