Weakness

I hate to show weakness. Why? Well, part of it is of course pride, as most people face. However, an even stronger motivator, is that if I show weakness then I am vulnerable, and if I am vulnerable then someone can attack me, tear me down, or do other horrible things to me. Thus, if I don't show weakness, I am safe. This might sound difficult, but I live my life with constant lies and deception, so it really isn't that diffcult, at least now that I am used to it. This really fits in well with my general feelings of insecurities and complete inadequacies. Basically, if you want to know what my life is about, it is about hiding what I truly feel/think/am, so that if anyone does tear me down, I am safe since they are tearing down the false image of me that I have erected, and not the me that I am. So, it really is only logical that I don't show any weaknesses, at least not real ones, since my whole plan for my life would be ruined if I did otherwise.

Of course it isn't all about feelings of vulnerability, there is some pride worked up in there too, and along with that pride comes a very stubborn personality, but also, oddly enough rather cowardly. This could work out to be very bad for me. I imagine that if I were a spy, like James Bond, and they were trying to get information out of me, they could go about it two different ways. If they came up to me and said something like, "Look, we just want to information, so if you give it to us we'll let you go and everybody wins." I would happily give them the information and be on my way, after all, I'm way too cowardly to face torture with no reason. However, if they came in telling me how they were going to break me, and I don't stand a chance, then my pride and stubborness would kick in and I would end my life in pain. Unless of course there were other people being tortured, and some of the others broke before me, then I could give in without feeling that I was being weak, since I wasn't the first to give in. In short, I would not make a very good James Bond.

You might be wondering why am I so afraid of being seen as vulnerable, do I really think people are going to use those weaknesses against me? Of course I do. I've seen enough movies and TV shows to know that when someone knows your weakness(es), it always comes back to bite you, no matter how safe or secure it seems at the time. You might think it odd that I would base my life on what movies and TV shows have shown me, but really, what better place do I have to learn about life?

I leave you with this:The great majority of us are required to live a life of constant, systematic duplicity. Your health is bound to be affected if, day after day, you say the opposite of what you feel, if you grovel before what you dislike and rejoice at what bring you nothing but misfortune. Our nervous system isn't just a fiction, it's part of our physical body, and our soul exists in space and is inside us, like teeth in our mouth. It can't be forever violated with impunity.
Boris Pasternak (1890 - 1960), Doctor Zhivago

You know you are important...

When you can completely mess things up and it takes days to fix it. And thus, I know that I am now important at work. I locked an account of a program that we use for check requests, and thus we were unable to do these rather important customer service requests for two days since that was the only account we have there at night crew. Fortunately for me, they think highly of me at work, and thus nothing negative happened to me, and they knew that it was all an accident, and actually had a nice little chuckle over it. The moral of the story? Always be well liked by your co-workers and boss(es), that way you can get away with murder, because they'll always assume it was a mere accident. It is very nice to be presumed competent and capable.

I've been thinking about friendship recently. They say that you can choose your friends, but I wonder if that's really true, at least for me. See, I'm rather shy, soft-spoken. As such, it is usually up to the other person to initiate any sort of relationship, thus can't really saw that I choose my friends, so much as they choose me. Also, getting rid of "friends" can be difficult. You can't just break up with a friend, the best you can hope for is to try to ignore him/her, and hope that they stop trying to contact you. Although that doesn't seem to work that well, so I am stuck with these "friends" who keep contacting me, and I am too nice and shy to turn them away. What is a main to do.

I will end this post with this: "Contrary to general belief, I do not believe that friends are necessarily the people you like best, they are merely the people who got there first." - Peter Ustinov