Unable to Speak

Do you ever feel like there is something in you that is getting ready to explode out? Like if you were just to open you mouth, the words would flow forth, but they don’t? That is how I feel right now. I feel like there is something that I should be saying, should be writing, but don’t know what it is….at least I can’t put it into words. I actually know exactly what it is, but it seems impossible to express it in words. It is like trying to explain anger or sadness. It seems impossible to do, unless the other person knows the feeling as well.

I can feel it inside of me starting to form into words, but at the moment, when I open my mouth or put pen to paper nothing comes out. I sometimes am able to get a start, but it always trails off after the first sentence or two. The worst of it is that I want to put it out, I want to be able to speak it, to write it, but I can’t, it isn’t words but feelings, emotions, thoughts. So, I remain plagued by these thoughts, until I am able to speak them.

Obey

Sometimes what God says doesn’t make sense, or is something I don’t want to do. I have difficulty, because I don’t want to do it. I want to be rich and powerful. I want to be able to rely on myself for life, for my sustenance. Yet, I know I am supposed to trust in God, to rely on God for my daily needs. No matter how much I read how I am supposed to rely on God, I still don’t want to. My heart is not there. Yet, I still feel I need to obey. Even though it is something I don’t really want to do, I still need to just obey. Maybe my heart will be changed over time. Maybe it won’t. Either case, I still need to just obey, no matter what my feelings are. No matter how much I may long to have a million dollars in the bank, I need to rely on God, to turn to God, to follow God. I don’t know where this will lead, I may not even like where it will lead, but I must follow anyways. “Obey God and keep his commandments, for this is the whole duty of men.” I read this tonight, and couldn’t help but be moved by the absence of any kind of indication that I will like it, or will understand it. It just says “obey, for that is why you are here.” How can I argue with logic like that?