Flailing

There are two reactions I get when I tell people that I am a college graduate and am becoming a trucker. For those who know me, there is generally laughter followed by the inevitable “Why?”. If they don't know me there is no laughter, just a perplexed look on their face and a “Why?”. I have yet to meet someone who says, “That makes sense” or “Of course you would do that”. My friends and family are of course supportive (although I'm not entirely sure if some of them don't think I'm crazy), but I still sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing. One of my instructors has been driving trucks for close to 50 years (along with doing other things), and it made me realize that that's not what I want. But I don't know what I want.

I think part of the problem is my friends have either started out on their careers, or they are well on their way and actually have plans. I feel like I am just standing still while I watch my friends go on with what is considered a “normal” life: Career goals, girlfriends (or nearly wives), finishing their education to move on, etc. etc. etc.. Am I just a failure at life, at such a young age? Or maybe I am simply evaluating life incorrectly. Regardless, I at times feel like a disappointment, a failure at life. Perhaps those around me simply have more confidence in their lives, or where they will end up.

I feel like I am deep in the middle of the ocean, not knowing which way is up, down, right, left. I move in one direction for a while, but nothing seems to change, just water everywhere, so I fruitlessly try another direction, and another, and another, until I eventually run out of air and sink.