On Life, Faith, and Sleeplessness

Well, today is my last day at Sterling Savings Bank. After tonight my life will completely change, for better or worse. I know this has been coming for a while, but it didn't really seem real until this morning when I talked to the Swift recruiter, confirming everything was in order and ready for me to drive to Lewiston on Tuesday. To be honest, I am quite scared, but also excited, nervous, anxious, terrified, and any other words that mean that. When I lay my head down at night to sleep this mix of emotion keeps running through my mind. I try to silence it, but I can't, I end up lying there for a while thinking, “Am I making a huge mistake?” I try to think of something else, maybe a little less scary, but nothing really comes to mind. I keep going back and forth on this theme until eventually I fall asleep. I guess I'll find out Wednesday whether I am making a huge mistake.

Of course it isn't just trucking that is keeping me up at night. When I'm not thinking about the possibly huge mistake I'm making I'm thinking about God. I want to believe in God, I try to believe, but in the end I don't. I hear that you need to start with faith, but how do you do that? How do you just make yourself believe? How do I make myself accept that there is a God, that Jesus is His son and I should believe in them, when I can find no evidence? When I can't make my mind or heart accept it? If it was simply a matter of going through the motions, going to church, singing songs, praying, I would probably do that, if for no other reason than I don't want to go to hell, but it isn't. Paul was quite clear that you must have faith, and I simply don't. And I don't know how one gets faith. So I call myself an agnostic. I don't really know if that is the right word for me, but I like it better than Atheist. See, I do believe there is something beyond that which we can see, taste,touch, hear, taste. Maybe it is the “spirit world” or maybe it is the soul, or whatever, which I suppose may make me a spiritualist, but that word conjures up pictures of healing crystals and all, so I don't want to call myself that. I guess I am just me, not agnostic, nor a spiritualist, not an atheist, just me, with what I believe, or don't believe....whatever that may be.