Fuck It

Well, it's been about six months now since I have not been depressed. I've had times of gaiety, but they have all been short lived, and always with the specter of being depressed, knowing this happiness will be short-lived. And why? I don't know if I can give a complete answer to that. It seems so easy to sum it all up in a couple of bullet points, but then when I think about it more I realize that those are only parts of it, but I will attempt to give a brief account of the madness that is my mind.

I guess part of it, if one hasn't been able to guess from previous posts, is concern over my future, but upon further consideration that really isn't that big of a thing. Yeah, I wonder what I will be doing in two years when I graduate, but I know it will all work out. I'm smart enough, I'll be able to get a decent paying job and live life. That really isn't a concern, more of just a pondering, like one ponders the meaning of life, it'd be nice to know, but I'm not losing any sleep over it. No, I think what is concerning me the most is me.

I analyze myself a lot. I seem to have a lot of time, especially with my current job, to sit back and think about myself, who I am, why I do what I do, and I'm not sure I like what I am realizing. I used to think of myself as being confident, not caring what others thought. I have continued believing this lie for a while, but have since had to realize that it isn't that I don't care, it is that I am afraid to find out, thus I don't actually let people know the real me. If I didn't let them know the real me then no matter what they said about me wouldn't matter since they would only be criticizing the facade I put up. Looking back now I have to conclude that I did it really subconsciously, although I must admit that it is a pretty good system. I never had to worry about being made fun of since they could only make fun of my facade, and when they did that I simply changed the facade.

As most people have probably already figured out this system has a huge flaw, one I never noticed probably because I never really knew I was doing it: no one ever knows you. That is what I realized when I sat back and looked at my life. I think it really started when I was on the phone with my friend John. We had been talking for over an hour of the phone when it hit me that I really hadn't said anything about myself. I may have made some remarks about my classes, but the entire conversation was revolving around him and something he was struggling with. As I thought about it more(I must admit this line of thinking was forefront on my mind, while John was put on the back-burner) I realized that this is the standard type of conversation I have with all of my friends. We always talk about their fears, accomplishments, interests, passions, all while never talking about me. I guess I can't really blame any of my friends for this since it is a natural human desire to talk about themselves, and since I didn't talk about myself it was only natural for them to talk about themselves.

Upon realizing this I have been depressed. My favorite pass time at college was to sit on my bed and stare at a wall. Since I've been home I have been simply trying to distract myself so I didn't have to think about it, so I have simply been keeping busy, but whenever I do have a moment alone it hits me: I'm alone.

Of course the simply solution would seem to be to open up to someone so that I am no longer alone. I would but I am afraid. I've been in this secure place, where I may be alone, but at least I am secure. Why would I want to leave that? I think I know how babies feel when they are forced to leave the womb. That seems to be the lest of my concerns though. Perhaps the most depressing matter is, who exactly would want to know me? I know of course friends and family would most likely say they would, but they have seemed content for so many years not to know me, to reveal large parts of who they are while being satisfied with little about me. Why would I think they would all of a sudden be interested? I can't tell you, and that is at least a large part of why I have been near tears for six months now. I don't really know how posting it on a blog will help, it probably won't, but I guess it's nice to know that at least it is out of me and on some server somewhere in the world.

Suit of Armor

He was walking down the road, secure in his suit of armor, panting. He wanted to stop but knew he must go on, although he didn't know why. He looked behind him to once again see the steep hill he just climbed. He smiled with the knowledge that he was able to make it, that he didn't give up. There were of course times that he wanted to take the armor off, times he thought he was going to collapse underneath the weight of it all, but he didn't, he couldn't. He was safe underneath the polished steel, if he took it off, he knew he would get hurt. There were all sorts of cruel people roaming these roads, just looking for some vulnerable fool, he wasn't about to be one of them. There had been times when he removed portions of the armor, only to confirm his fears. He would get scratched by some nasty bush, some over-hanging tree, and occasionally would be viciously attacked by some hidden villain. Once these attacks took place he would quickly replace the removed piece, making himself secure once again. These attacks never did much damage, they only served to strengthen his resolve to leave the armor on.

He's been walking this road for years, most of his life really, all the while being protected by this armor. But he is getting tired, it is a struggle to put one foot in front of the other. He often dreams of a place where he would be safe, where he could remove his armor, where he could rest. It is probably just some silly dream, but whenever he looks ahead he pictures a place just beyond the horizon......But he's got to live in the here and now, and he knows that he must go on, that he must stay safe. He looks up and sees another hill. He doesn't know how he'll be able to conquer this one, maybe he won't, maybe just beyond it lies a sanctuary. He presses on, praying for some kind of relief, praying for a secure place, praying that the armor would crush him where he stands.

Some Hope

"If you look good and dress well, you don't need a purpose in life."
- Robert Pante

In Other News

As if we needed it, even more proof Eastern is not an elite university. I received a 4.0 in my macro economics class, and a 3.9 from my 400 level history class. Obviously something is wrong with that school.

On another note, I have perhaps the screwiest summer job ever. My boss, at least the one I report to and tells me what to do, doesn't technically work for Metro Parks, having retired several months ago. During the weekdays there is not a vehicle for me to drive and thus must use my own (receiving 40.5 cents per mile while doing so). Even after having received my first paycheck I still don't know how much I am supposed to be making, since I was payed the wrong amount on my first check(too little, or so my boss who doesn't work there says). To top it all off the only decernable evidence that I actually do anything during my ten hour days is the occasional wedding that I set up and take down the, rest of the days I could be anywhere, doing anything, as far as anyone from Metro Parks would know. I still can't believe I get paid for doing this "job".

Crisis of Life

Nothing has changed. I've been home now for two weeks, and nothing has changed. I thought, or maybe hoped, that things had changed, but when I truly step back and consider, I realize nothing has. I think I maybe having a crisis of....what? faith? that certainly is the common thing for people my age, but I don't really think that is it. A crisis of life? I've never heard of having a crisis of life, so I certainly don't know if that is what is happening, or even if it is possible, but that is the best description I can come up with, at least one contained in a short phrase.

I know God is real. I am fully convinced of this fact. I know that I am given life through Jesus Christ. I know God loves me and I will be with him for eternity. These things are not in question in my mind. So, now what? I don't know what I am supposed to do with this. How am I supposed to live now that I have accepted these things? This question has always plagued me, yet as I get closer to entering "real life" the realization that I don't have an answer to it terrifies me. I've of course heard the standard answers, "serve God and love your neighbors" "go preach the gospel" "live the 'Christian life'", yet they all seem so hollow and unsatisfying, maybe because it all just seems so undefined. "Serve God"....serve God doing what? I know God is supposed to tell you, or lead you, but when does he do that? And what if he doesn't? Are you just free from that responsibility? Are you just not listening close enough? I guess the real problem I have with it all is, all those things so mediocre. It seems like we are here to live lives just like everyone else, except we are nicer to people. That of course doesn't work, since there are lots of people out there who aren't Christians who are perfectly nice. Why then does it matter? Aren't we supposed to be transformed? Aren't we supposed to be a new creation? Wouldn't that indicate that we should be completely different from the old creation? Sure, you could say it will be different when we're all dead, and that is probably true, but what about this life? Didn't God make us for this planet? Didn't he say we were already transformed? Already this new creation? Where then is the difference? Where then is the change? When I take a Christian family and compare them with a non-Christian family, there doesn't seem to be any substantial difference. Or compare Christianity with other religions. Obviously the tenants and doctrine are different, but what about the lives of the followers? If we are heirs to the kingdom of God, don't you think we would appear different?

So, as I sit in my room, alone with my thoughts, I pray for answers, and have done so for many years. I continue to receive silence. I know God is there, so why the silence? Am I supposed to just wait longer? Is there no answer? Or maybe there is no difference. Maybe this is all there is to it. If this is it, I don't know if I'll be able to stand it the rest of my life.

I Have

Do you ever wake up, only to find that you don't like yourself?