Crisis of Life

Nothing has changed. I've been home now for two weeks, and nothing has changed. I thought, or maybe hoped, that things had changed, but when I truly step back and consider, I realize nothing has. I think I maybe having a crisis of....what? faith? that certainly is the common thing for people my age, but I don't really think that is it. A crisis of life? I've never heard of having a crisis of life, so I certainly don't know if that is what is happening, or even if it is possible, but that is the best description I can come up with, at least one contained in a short phrase.

I know God is real. I am fully convinced of this fact. I know that I am given life through Jesus Christ. I know God loves me and I will be with him for eternity. These things are not in question in my mind. So, now what? I don't know what I am supposed to do with this. How am I supposed to live now that I have accepted these things? This question has always plagued me, yet as I get closer to entering "real life" the realization that I don't have an answer to it terrifies me. I've of course heard the standard answers, "serve God and love your neighbors" "go preach the gospel" "live the 'Christian life'", yet they all seem so hollow and unsatisfying, maybe because it all just seems so undefined. "Serve God"....serve God doing what? I know God is supposed to tell you, or lead you, but when does he do that? And what if he doesn't? Are you just free from that responsibility? Are you just not listening close enough? I guess the real problem I have with it all is, all those things so mediocre. It seems like we are here to live lives just like everyone else, except we are nicer to people. That of course doesn't work, since there are lots of people out there who aren't Christians who are perfectly nice. Why then does it matter? Aren't we supposed to be transformed? Aren't we supposed to be a new creation? Wouldn't that indicate that we should be completely different from the old creation? Sure, you could say it will be different when we're all dead, and that is probably true, but what about this life? Didn't God make us for this planet? Didn't he say we were already transformed? Already this new creation? Where then is the difference? Where then is the change? When I take a Christian family and compare them with a non-Christian family, there doesn't seem to be any substantial difference. Or compare Christianity with other religions. Obviously the tenants and doctrine are different, but what about the lives of the followers? If we are heirs to the kingdom of God, don't you think we would appear different?

So, as I sit in my room, alone with my thoughts, I pray for answers, and have done so for many years. I continue to receive silence. I know God is there, so why the silence? Am I supposed to just wait longer? Is there no answer? Or maybe there is no difference. Maybe this is all there is to it. If this is it, I don't know if I'll be able to stand it the rest of my life.