I Want to Scream, I Want to Cry

Apathetic, lost, confused, frustrated, lonely, scared, disappointed, angry. These are just a few of the things I’m feeling right now, and yet even this list doesn’t seem to adequately describe what I’m feeling. I feel like I want to fight someone. I feel like I want to scream out in anger. I feel like I want to curl up in a ball and cry for hours. I feel like I want to punch someone. I feel like I need a hug. I feel like I want to get into a heated argument. I feel like I could stare at a wall for hours. I feel like I want to yell profanities during that argument

I don’t know what’s wrong with me. My mind is all fragments, like someone shattered it with a hammer. I can’t focus on anything, as soon as I get one thought something else comes and washes it away.

I am looking forward to spring break, I like to think that the break will help, but I keep thinking it won’t. I haven’t been doing anything other than going to classes for school for the past week or two, so it’s not like I need a break from that. I haven’t studied for a test, probably won’t study for the finals, haven’t written a word on a major argument paper due Tuesday. We gave short presentations on these papers Thursday. I went up not knowing what I was going to say, which is something that I have never done before, but I simply couldn’t make myself care at all. I rambled for a few minutes, not really arguing anything coherently. No one really knew what I was trying to argue and so my teacher asked me what my thesis was. I considered for a moment trying to make up something on the spot, but instead I laughed and said, “I don’t know”. My general ramblings was about school, and the teacher was attempting to defend college classes, saying they make you think. As she was saying this I did something I had never done before, I very visibly rolled my eyes and guffawed and said very plainly that she was completely wrong. I had disagreed with a teacher before, but never in such a manner, I had always been polite and considerate.

I don’t think my problem is school, for it is now the weekend, and I don’t feel any better. Yesterday I started to feel a little better, but today I feel as bad if not worse than ever. I don’t know why either. Nothing happened, there was nothing I was hoping to happen that didn’t happen. I just woke up this morning feeling this way, just like I have for the past week or more. I don’t want to be alone, yet the only comfort I’ve been able to find is sitting in my room alone with the lights out and my headphones on, staring at nothing.

I could really use a stiff drink.