Unbelief

Why don’t I ever seem to trust God? I say I believe in God, I say that He is faithful, and is able to provide for me, I say that He knows what He’s doing when He tells me to do something, and yet, I still find myself in fear and doubt. Even though I have found that He was right in so many areas, I still have trouble believing He will provide. Still I have trouble believing He knows what He’s talking about. It’s not that I think that I know more than God, or am able to plan better I guess it all comes down to just not believing enough. Not having enough faith. Not believing God will provide. I have the knowledge that God will provide, but I lack the faith that He will. This seems to be a consistent problem with me. I know these things about God, but I don’t live like I do. I have the knowledge that God is loving, is caring, will provide for me, that Christ will live through me. Yet, I still worry over how I will provide for myself, not trusting God, I still try to live my life as if it was mine to live. Also, when I sin, I fear approaching God because I think maybe God won’t want to hear from me again, even though I know that God will forgive me again, as He has done in the past. I simply find it unbelievable that He would do it again. I know I shouldn’t fear these things, I know that I should allow Christ to live through me, to trust Him completely, and yet I am still afraid, and I still try to take control. What is wrong with me? If I know these things to be true, then why don’t live like it? I think I can understand the man’s request to Christ better now, “I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!” This is how I feel so often. I believe, but obviously not enough, so I need help to overcome my unbelief. Ironic that I would need to turn to God, the one whom I do not have enough faith in, for help.

Yet, I obviously have to start with some faith, which I guess is the troubling part for me. I obviously have some faith, why then don’t I believe it all? If I believe that God can help me, “overcome my unbelief”, then why do I have such a problem believing that God will provide me with money when I need it? Or that He has a future plan for me? It doesn’t seem to make sense, and yet, there it is. I guess it is like having faith in a person. I have faith in my neighbor to feed my pets when I am on vacation, but would I have faith in that neighbor to catch if I were to jump off my roof? I might if he has shown himself faithful in other things, more than just feeding my dog. Maybe this is how it is with God. As we see Him do more and more in our lives, and as we have faith in Him in more and more things, we start to trust in Him more. He is shown reliable. He is shown to be capable of doing what He says. It is one thing for a person to say that God is faithful in all things, and it is different to actually experience it. Hearing it said is the knowledge I have, and I guess I am currently experiencing the faithfulness of God in the smaller things, and more and more in the larger things.

Lord, I believe, please help my overcome my unbelief!