Jeremiah 1:5-8

Have you ever had a time when you felt beyond a doubt that God was speaking to you? I don’t mean times where it seemed like the Bible was "speaking" to you . I’m talking about a time when it was like God was yelling into your ear, where the words don’t just jump off the page, but the fly off and run you over like a semi. I’ve only experienced this once, and it is a time that I simply cannot forget. I was at a week long retreat with my church’s youth group. We went up to Canada to this Christian camp. One of the evenings when we were having our chapel, the woman who was speaking that evening got up and read from Jeremiah, "'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you part; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.' 'Ah, Sovereign LORD' I said, 'I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.' But the LORD said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a child." You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the LORD." I can’t for the life of me remember anything else she said that evening. God had spoken to me, everything else seemed irrelevant. Reading through this passage, it seems similar to other passages, where God is essentially saying not to worry what you will say, He will be with you. It seems like a very encouraging passage. When I heard this passage though, I did not get a sense of encouragement, I did not get a sense that God will be with me and will rescue me. Rather, I heard God yelling, “This is you!”

I have only told one person this, I’ve always been too afraid to say it to anyone else. Whenever I imagined telling someone I always thought of them either laughing at the prospect, since it sounds like I am claiming to be a prophet like Jeremiah, or someone assuming that I am simply thinking too big, saying something along the lines of, “Of course you’re supposed to say what God commands you, and of course He will rescue you. Duh! It’s nothing unusual.” It is easy for me to picture people saying these things, since I have thought them myself for many years, and I can’t think of any retort, except to say that it doesn’t feel right. God is telling me that it is more.

Right or wrong I have always felt myself meant for something “big”. I at one point thought of being a pastor, but as I thought about it, it didn’t seem right, not because the occupation is a bad one, but because it seemed too “small” for me. I don’t mean “small” in a bad sense, more like it is too small a scale for me, like I should be doing something of a bigger size.

With this in mind, I have often asked God what He wants me to do, so that I can go do it, but I think I already know the answer, so I am basically asking again in hopes of getting a different answer. I have trouble accepting the answer that He consistently gives me.

When asked what I am going to do with my life, I usually say, “I don’t know”. I am not exactly lying when I say this, for I can’t really put a name to God’s plan, but I do know, for I see it in my mind as a type of Billy Graham, or C.S. Lewis. Not that these two are exact representations, but they are the images that are stuck in my head, a reference point almost, since I can’t think of anything else to compare it to.

Even as I write this I am having trouble really accepting that it is from God. My mind keeps thinking, "Maybe it is just from me." If it is simply in my mind, I must be crazy, for this is not the path I would have chosen for myself. And it certainly isn't to get any recognition, for it frightens me to even mention it to anyone. Even now I struggle with actually pushing the "Publish Post" button, for fear that someone may actually read it. So, This is either from God, or I am crazy. Neither of these seems like a pleasent option.

I wonder which I would prefer....