Confidence

As far back as I can remember I've lacked any real confidence in my self. I remember when I went to high school, after being home schooled for a while, I was convinced that they would realize that I wasn't nearly smart enough, or knew enough to be there, and kick me up. Doing well the first year didn't seem to help much either, because then I went into honors English, and I was sure the teacher would realize that I didn't really deserve to be there, the same happened in Junior year in A.P. History, and then in A.P. English come Senior year. Come college, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be prepared at all, and I would be working like crazy in my classes to catch up. My new anxiety is my new job. I'm pretty sure that in a week or two my supervisor will come to me saying, "Wow, you really did lie during that interview" as she shows me the door.

Why do I go through life like this? Especially since all of my other fears have been unfounded? I mean, I graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA, I currently have a 3.7 in college, at all of my other jobs I have always been thought of very highly, so there seems to be very little from my past to always think that I am going to fail. But maybe it doesn't really matter what you think, but instead what other people think. If other people think you are confident and know what's happening, they will believe that you do, even with no evidence. I remember a few summers ago when Galen, Matt and I went on a road trip to California. We met this woman who owned a restaurant on the beach, and she was giving us some advice on things to do and see. She told us of this hotel (I don't remember the name of it), it is a very fancy and expensive hotel in LA, and she told us that when we go in there, act like we belong there, like we own it, even though we were wearing t-shirts, shorts and sandals, but if we acted like we belonged there then no one would question it. Maybe that's how we are supposed to go through life, even when we are sure like we don't belong, when we are sure we will fail, and can't possibly do the job, we just fake it and all will be all right. That of course is ridiculous, I can just imagine a firefighter who didn't know how to do anything. People would die because of his lack of ability, no matter how hard to was able to fake competence. Well, I guess so long as no one's life is in my hands I'll just keep faking confidence, hoping no one know that I really don't know what's going on.

I suppose I'll end this rambling with some humor, "The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated." - Oscar Wilde

Happy New Year to you all

My new years eve consisted of watching Scrooge with Jon and toasting with some apple cider. Now comes the new years resolutions. Although I don't think I'm going to make any this year. Not because I am one of those people who don't make resolutions, rather I think news years is a great time for resolutions, or a time to sort of reevaluate ones life and try to change things you don't like. Nor am I not making any resolutions because I find myself perfect the way I am and am not in need of any change. Quite to contrary, I find myself so full of flaws and things that need changing that I am simply overwhelmed with it all and have given up due to the seeming futility of it all. It's like walking into a house that is completely torn apart and trying to decide where to start picking up the mess. Now, one could argue that is said house it wouldn't matter where you started, the important thing is that you start. But I guess my seeming inability to even start would be one of the aforementioned flaws, probably one of the first flaws I should try to work on, which of course I am not going to do, since it all seems too over-whelming to me. Ironically it would seem that in order to improve that flaw I would have to have that flaw already improved upon. A vicious cycle indeed, which is why I am simply given up.

On other fronts, I will be starting this new year with a new job, and not just at a different place but a completely different type of job. I will be working at the processing center for Sterling Savings Bank, which means that I won't be interacting with customers, or guests, at all, that I will be working at a desk all of the time. Perhaps best of all I won't be working weekends or holidays (in fact I get holiday pay!), I get benefits, like health care, dental, vision, 401k plan, vacation days, etc. It is the first job that feels like a real job, and not just a part-time or seasonal job, even though it is indeed a part-time job. On top of all that I will be getting actual, real good experience for working in banking, since I will be processing checks and other such bank activities, which will look very good on any job application or resume. Needless to say, I am very excited about this position. Although a twinge of sadness hit me on Friday night when I realized that this will be the last Friday, at least for quite a while, that I will be able to spend out, since I will be working every Friday night once I start....unless it is a holiday, or I get a vacation on a Friday of course. At least I will have every Saturday night and Sunday night free.

Found this quote about intellectuals and I thought I would start the new year out with it, "An intellectual is a person who has discovered something more interesting than sex." - Aldous Huxley