This Loving God

Sometimes I find my self absolutely amazing. I don’t mean this in a prideful way though. No, quite the opposite in fact. I find it amazing that I can, in the morning, turn my life over to God, promise to let Him live through me, to go where He leads, to do what He says, and, by the end of the day, have completely failed Him in every single promise, only to try to do the same thing the next morning. Now, I don’t do this every day, some days I am able to manage to let God fill me, which just makes those days that I don’t all the more frustrating. I know that God’s way is the best, that letting Him live through me is the best way to go, for God’s ways are the best ways, but in the moment I don’t think about it. I turn to my own ways, to my own desires, to my own plans.

Whenever I have to go back to God, to repent, to again try to turn my life over to Him, I think of a servant going back to his master, seeking forgiveness. I think of this servant who, just the day before, has completely ignored his masters orders, and gone about, doing his own thing, possibly running through the mansion, smashing paintings and vases. This isn’t the first time this servant has done this either. In fact, this servant has had more days like these, it seems, than he has had days of actually serving his master. I then try to imagine the master standing over the prostrate servant, looking down at him, smiling a warm smile, lifting him up, and saying, “Come, tomorrow you’ll do better.” I try to imagine this scene of forgiveness, but more often than not, I can only imagine the master standing over the prostrate servant, yelling at him, perhaps kicking him a few times, then having him thrown out of the mansion, and his service, for good. Yet, no matter how much more likely the second scenario seems to me, I know that God is always the first master. He is the master who stands over me as I lie there, praying for forgiveness that I don’t deserve, for forgiveness that I have no right to even ask for. He is the master who smiles warmly down at me, leans down, lifts me off the floor, hugs me, and says, “I forgive you. We’ll do it together next time.” He says this, even though He knows he has said it hundreds of times in the past, and there is no reason to believe that He won’t have to say it again soon. Yet He says it with the same warmth, with the same love in his voice, as if He just said it for the first time.

This loving God is the God that I serve. This loving God is the God that I fail so frequently. This loving God is my only hope.

"Almighty and merciful Father,
I have erred, and strayed from Your ways
like a lost sheep.
I have offended against Your holy laws.
I have left undone
those things which I ought to have done,
And I have done those things
which I ought not to have done;
and there is no health in me.

O Lord, have mercy on me, a miserable offender.
Spare them, O Lord,
which confess their faults.
Restore them that are penitent,
according to your promises declared to mankind
in Christ Jesus our Lord. And grant,
O most merciful Father, for His sake,
that I may hereafter live a godly,
righteous, and sober life-
to the glory of Your name.
Amen."

“A Prayer of Confession”

Taken from: Worship His Majesty Hymnal

Unbelief

Why don’t I ever seem to trust God? I say I believe in God, I say that He is faithful, and is able to provide for me, I say that He knows what He’s doing when He tells me to do something, and yet, I still find myself in fear and doubt. Even though I have found that He was right in so many areas, I still have trouble believing He will provide. Still I have trouble believing He knows what He’s talking about. It’s not that I think that I know more than God, or am able to plan better I guess it all comes down to just not believing enough. Not having enough faith. Not believing God will provide. I have the knowledge that God will provide, but I lack the faith that He will. This seems to be a consistent problem with me. I know these things about God, but I don’t live like I do. I have the knowledge that God is loving, is caring, will provide for me, that Christ will live through me. Yet, I still worry over how I will provide for myself, not trusting God, I still try to live my life as if it was mine to live. Also, when I sin, I fear approaching God because I think maybe God won’t want to hear from me again, even though I know that God will forgive me again, as He has done in the past. I simply find it unbelievable that He would do it again. I know I shouldn’t fear these things, I know that I should allow Christ to live through me, to trust Him completely, and yet I am still afraid, and I still try to take control. What is wrong with me? If I know these things to be true, then why don’t live like it? I think I can understand the man’s request to Christ better now, “I do believe. Help me overcome my unbelief!” This is how I feel so often. I believe, but obviously not enough, so I need help to overcome my unbelief. Ironic that I would need to turn to God, the one whom I do not have enough faith in, for help.

Yet, I obviously have to start with some faith, which I guess is the troubling part for me. I obviously have some faith, why then don’t I believe it all? If I believe that God can help me, “overcome my unbelief”, then why do I have such a problem believing that God will provide me with money when I need it? Or that He has a future plan for me? It doesn’t seem to make sense, and yet, there it is. I guess it is like having faith in a person. I have faith in my neighbor to feed my pets when I am on vacation, but would I have faith in that neighbor to catch if I were to jump off my roof? I might if he has shown himself faithful in other things, more than just feeding my dog. Maybe this is how it is with God. As we see Him do more and more in our lives, and as we have faith in Him in more and more things, we start to trust in Him more. He is shown reliable. He is shown to be capable of doing what He says. It is one thing for a person to say that God is faithful in all things, and it is different to actually experience it. Hearing it said is the knowledge I have, and I guess I am currently experiencing the faithfulness of God in the smaller things, and more and more in the larger things.

Lord, I believe, please help my overcome my unbelief!

Beginnings.....

I'm not exactly sure why I am doing this. I guess partly because my friends are doing it. And, I guess I just want an area to air my thougths and feelings....although I'm not sure if I actually want anyone reading them. I guess that is the beauty of the internet, you can air your thoughts without really thinking about people reading them, since it is all online, and you never really know if someone is reading.
You can expect my thoughts on a wide range of subjects, my rants, my confusion, my anger, my struggles with ideas. I can't promise any of it will be useful to you at any point in time, nor can I promise that it will always make sense. All that I can say is that it will be me.