Well, I might be a terrorist

I’m planning on going home for Thanksgiving here in a couple of days, although due to my work schedule I won’t be leaving until Thursday and I will be coming back on Friday, so I will be home for less than 24 hours total, yet I’m still planning on going, assuming the weather holds out. It does seem a little crazy to be driving 600 miles for less than 24 hours, but I just really want to go home. At least I kind of do. Honestly, I was kind of dreading going home for Thanksgiving, probably going over to my Aunt’s house, with my dad and maybe his girl-friend. I think I still have some trouble accepting that my parents have actually separated, not because I’m in denial, but it just seems so incomprehensible to me that I can’t actually accept it until I see it. And I think seeing my dad with anyone other than my mom would maybe be too much of a shock, at least right off. So, I think this short time being home might be a blessing, since if I do go home I won’t be going over to my Aunt’s, but it will allow me to be home and actually see, and if I see maybe I can start believing.

I’m also starting to get very worried about my loans. Up until this point I has essentially ignored the fact that I was several thousand dollars in debt, and will be around $30,000 in debt by the time I leave college. But as my graduation comes ever nearer and I actually start thinking about life after and beyond college I can’t help but actually start thinking of this large wad of cash I owe. And after thinking of this I am left with dread. My parents all through my life has been far into debt with mortgages, credit cards, cars, etc. and I’ve seen the fear, the anxiety, the utter pain this causes. And I can’t help but keep imaging myself in a similar situation. In my more deluded moments I’m able to convince myself that I’ll do something that will make me rich and allow me to retire at 30, but in my more sober moments(moments I try not to have many of) I have to admit that my life will probably be more life my parents than my dream world would like. At least I’m not married nor have any kids, so if I go down I’ll be going down alone.

On a brighter note I found out on the radio last night that I am either completely evil or a terrorist, more likely both. Why am I evil and a terrorist? Well, because I can understand why people around the world would hate the U.S., and I would say in many instances I would expect them to hate us, and I completely sympathize with their hate(although I myself don’t hate the U.S., I’m just not too fond of it at times). According to the radio this could qualify me as evil (although not quite as evil as those who actually hate the U.S.), but not a terrorist. What qualifies me as a terrorist is the fact that I can understand and I can sympathize with many of the terrorists cause. I don’t endorse nor condone what they do, but I can certainly understand why they feel it is necessary to do it, and why it might be necessary for them to do it in order to do what they want to do (and no, I don’t mean to take over the world or convert everyone to Islam). And to top it all off I wouldn’t classify all terrorists as evil cowards as most do. Well now that I have confessed, I certainly hope no one from the government reads this, or I might not be able to fly anymore.

The Hero

He stands there and watches as his friends start out crossing the rapid river. They jump from rock to log back to a rock, trying to make it across, while he stands and watches. They had tried to bring him along but he had refused saying it was too cold to get wet, saying he didn’t want to get this clothes dirty, that he didn’t have the right shoes on for such a feat. Was he afraid? Of course not, he is no coward. He just didn’t want to get wet, and besides he was wearing some of his good clothes and didn’t want to ruin them, and since he was wearing the wrong shoes he would probably get wet and ruin his clothes.

One of his friends slips and falls into the river, holding onto the nearest rock for his life. Our hero jumps into action diving into the river with no regard for being wet, his clothes, or his shoes. He manages to overcome the strong current and reaches his friend just as his grip lets loose on the rock. Our hero reaches out and makes a daring grab for his hand, saving his friend from being sucked down the river. Our hero then swims back to the shore with his friend in tow, thrusting him upon the land before climbing out of the freezing water himself. He is no coward as he smiles proudly, looking down at the life he just saved…..

“Why didn’t you come across with us?” Our hero snaps out of his dream as one of his friends comes back from the other side. The rest of his friends follow the first one and they all wind up back with our hero, clean and dry. Our hero smiles weakly and insists again that he didn’t want to get wet nor ruin his clothes, and to top it off he didn’t have to right shoes to be climbing over rocks. His friends dismiss such reasons as petty excuses as they make their way back to the cars, leaving our cowardly hero looking over the rapid river. As he took a step towards the edge of the water he realized, he is afraid. He hides his embarrassment and catches up with his brave friends, hoping they don’t see his cowardice as clearly as he does now.

Not My Fault

I used to think that I was just apathetic, but I don’t think that is really the case. Rather, now I think that I am just very pessimistic. I recent elections have made me change my mind. There was a big shift in power with the Democrats taking the House, which they haven’t had since ’94, and taking the Senate, even though it is with only 1 seat. I thought I was apathetic because I didn’t really care which party controlled which part of government. But it wasn’t so much that I didn’t care, it is more that I think it doesn’t really matter whether the Democrats or Republicans are in power since neither party is really all that different. Sure, there are a few things that the Democrats might do that would be beneficial, mainly getting a higher minimum wage enacted and not renewing the tax cuts, but on the other hand the Republicans are so entertaining when in power. So, I was pretty indifferent as to which got power, and still am. But I’m not apathetic because I do care about the direction and this country and this world, so to say it better, I am just indifferent between Democrats and Republicans. And in my hearts of hearts I would probably say that I prefer the Republicans since their entertainment value would out way any meager changes the Democrats might get through.

So, I learned today that my inability to talk about my feelings or what I am thinking, etc. isn’t actually my fault. According to my sister I have inherited that “Damn ‘Dykeman man' gene" that prevents me from doing so. Thus I am simply a product of my genes and if anyone is to blame it is evolution, and not me.

I enjoy Marx. No, I’m not really a Marxist, partly because I’m not sure what all that entails, nor am I a communist…at least I don’t think I am, but I do like many of his ideas. Although I will admit I don’t really enjoy reading him, since he isn’t an easy author to read or follow. I think it is a shame how he has gotten such a bad name because of the Soviet Union and other such “experiments”. The most frustrating part is that Marx would have been totally opposed to the way those countries tried Communism. But, since he is tied to that word he is thrown out along with the Soviet Union as simply being evil and or stupid. As such he is rarely taught or learned about, even though much could be learned from him. And when he is taught generally his ideas are misrepresented. For example most have heard his quote, “religion is the opiate of the people (or masses).” While he did write that phrase, the rest of the quote is left out, and the reason for him saying that (which is partly explained by the rest of the quote) is never told. So people are just left to conclude that he had a very low opinion of religious people and indeed thought all such people were just drug users. I won’t go into the full reasoning behind such a quote, but I’ll just leave you with the full quote, “Religion is the sigh of the oppressed creature, the heart of a heartless world, the soul of soulless conditions, it is the opium of the people.”

Update:

I talked to my mom this morning and found out a few more details. It turns out the reason my dad moved out was that he was having an affair. It doesn't really change anything, but I suppose it just makes the whole thing that much more shocking.