Life Long Masquerade

Whoever said being different is wonderful is full of crap.

I have never had many friends. I currently have two close friends whom I see regularly apart from school, this is a record high for me believe it or not. Most of my life has been pretty lonely, usually only having one person I could call a friend. I often curled up on my bed or a chair, feeling lonely, wanting somebody to love, to love me. To hug somebody and know that I am loved, that I am cared for. I usually employed my dog to fill the part of a person, more than once crying into her black fur. I didn’t understand why I didn’t fit in. I would often pretend to be someone I wasn’t so that I could at least fit in for a while. I would put on a mask, but the mask would hurt my face, I couldn’t stand to wear it for long, so I could never hang out for long, never fit in for long. I would have to go, hide, rest, and come back later when my mask was fully installed once again. I did it consciously, but without thinking about it. I knew I wasn’t being my real self, but I would act that way without even thinking about it. It felt like I was naked if I didn’t have my mask on in front of others.

I wish I could say that now that I have become a “wise” college student, I have thrown my mask away, but I haven’t. I have tried to become more and more myself, which probably explains why I haven’t made any friends at college, but I am still not myself. Around college, at home, even among my close friends, I often still hide myself, I put up this façade, even if only partially. I am most myself among my close friends, among those who have accepted me, although even then I am not completely myself. I know I should be myself, I’m sure my friends would say that they want me to be myself, but how do I do that? How do I trust that the thing that has happened countless times won’t happen again? How do I trust that when I take off my mask and reveal my nakedness, I am not left standing alone? Just because they are my friends I am supposed to believe that they won’t leave, that their love won’t fade? It has happened before, so why should I think that it wouldn’t happen again?

I am terrified at the prospect of being myself, of taking off my mask; yet I am so tired of wearing it.

Pride Goeth Before a Fall

Pride throughout the ages has been used as a substitution for how we really are supposed to be. When God made man, we alone were created for fellowship with Him, we alone had the breath of God in our lungs, we alone walked with God. We were dignified, we had honor and glory, for God gave us such things. Then man fell away from God, thus losing his dignity, honor, and glory, but our innermost beings knew that our humiliated state was not right, we were meant for more. We were wearing rags while knowing we should be draped in the finest attire. We were eating garbage while knowing we were meant for gourmet meals. We knew we should have more, but we didn’t know why, since we had rejected God and His purpose for us. So, we turned to the only things we could, ourselves and others. We tried to satisfy this longing for dignity, honor, and glory through our accomplishments, and through how others viewed us. We longed for other’s approval because with their approval came the illusion of glory. We tried to accomplish much because through accomplishments came an illusion of dignity and honor. These means of course could never satisfy, it was like trying to quench a deep thirst with mud. Unfortunately man didn’t know why it didn’t work, but he kept trying, since it at least gave the illusion, and that was better than nothing. If you don’t have water, mud is a better than dehydration.

With Christ came a restoration of our dignity, honor, and glory. However, the majority of Christians don’t accept this and instead try to gain these things through the means that have been used since man turned from God. We continue to rely on ourselves and others for approval, hoping to gain some glory through that. We continue to be proud of our accomplishments, for in doing so we hope to find dignity and honor. We don’t realize that those things are already ours. We are in Christ, and Christ is in us. We have dignity, honor, and glory because God made us to live through us. The creator of the universe made us to walk with Him, to have fellowship with Him. God has lifted us up higher than any man ever could. We have been restored to our original purpose, therefore dignity, honor, and glory is ours as a birthright once again, endowed to us by the very nature that God gave us. We are once again right with God. We once again have fresh water, so we don't have to drink mud anymore.

Jeremiah 1:5-8

Have you ever had a time when you felt beyond a doubt that God was speaking to you? I don’t mean times where it seemed like the Bible was "speaking" to you . I’m talking about a time when it was like God was yelling into your ear, where the words don’t just jump off the page, but the fly off and run you over like a semi. I’ve only experienced this once, and it is a time that I simply cannot forget. I was at a week long retreat with my church’s youth group. We went up to Canada to this Christian camp. One of the evenings when we were having our chapel, the woman who was speaking that evening got up and read from Jeremiah, "'Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, before you were born I set you part; I appointed you as a prophet to the nations.' 'Ah, Sovereign LORD' I said, 'I do not know how to speak; I am only a child.' But the LORD said to me, 'Do not say, "I am only a child." You must go to everyone I send you to and say whatever I command you. Do not be afraid of them, for I am with you and will rescue you,' declares the LORD." I can’t for the life of me remember anything else she said that evening. God had spoken to me, everything else seemed irrelevant. Reading through this passage, it seems similar to other passages, where God is essentially saying not to worry what you will say, He will be with you. It seems like a very encouraging passage. When I heard this passage though, I did not get a sense of encouragement, I did not get a sense that God will be with me and will rescue me. Rather, I heard God yelling, “This is you!”

I have only told one person this, I’ve always been too afraid to say it to anyone else. Whenever I imagined telling someone I always thought of them either laughing at the prospect, since it sounds like I am claiming to be a prophet like Jeremiah, or someone assuming that I am simply thinking too big, saying something along the lines of, “Of course you’re supposed to say what God commands you, and of course He will rescue you. Duh! It’s nothing unusual.” It is easy for me to picture people saying these things, since I have thought them myself for many years, and I can’t think of any retort, except to say that it doesn’t feel right. God is telling me that it is more.

Right or wrong I have always felt myself meant for something “big”. I at one point thought of being a pastor, but as I thought about it, it didn’t seem right, not because the occupation is a bad one, but because it seemed too “small” for me. I don’t mean “small” in a bad sense, more like it is too small a scale for me, like I should be doing something of a bigger size.

With this in mind, I have often asked God what He wants me to do, so that I can go do it, but I think I already know the answer, so I am basically asking again in hopes of getting a different answer. I have trouble accepting the answer that He consistently gives me.

When asked what I am going to do with my life, I usually say, “I don’t know”. I am not exactly lying when I say this, for I can’t really put a name to God’s plan, but I do know, for I see it in my mind as a type of Billy Graham, or C.S. Lewis. Not that these two are exact representations, but they are the images that are stuck in my head, a reference point almost, since I can’t think of anything else to compare it to.

Even as I write this I am having trouble really accepting that it is from God. My mind keeps thinking, "Maybe it is just from me." If it is simply in my mind, I must be crazy, for this is not the path I would have chosen for myself. And it certainly isn't to get any recognition, for it frightens me to even mention it to anyone. Even now I struggle with actually pushing the "Publish Post" button, for fear that someone may actually read it. So, This is either from God, or I am crazy. Neither of these seems like a pleasent option.

I wonder which I would prefer....

Is There Meaning in This Life?

Through out time humans have wanted an answer to the question: Why am I here? Humans instinctively seem to realize that we are here for something. That we are not here simply to live, reproduce, and die. Through out time, people have attempted to make their lives matter, to do something so that they would be remembered.
I must confess that I have this same desire, to be remembered after I am gone. Not simply by family and friends, but for the world to know that I was here, and now the world is worse off since I am gone. In doing so, I want my life to truly matter. I want, in a hundred years, for people to say that I did something that will affect people for centuries. Yet, I am struck by a very disturbing thought. What can I possibly do that would make a meaningful impact upon the world? Many people find meaning in helping the poor. While this is good, it seems almost fleeting, since they will die anyway, so all your help is doing is keeping them alive longer. This is not to say that one shouldn’t help the poor, but, what good is it to feed a man, if that man is going to hell anyway? What good is it to make men free from tyranny if their souls are still slaves to sin? What good is it to institute some new social venture, if God’s kingdom is not advanced? Is there any good to it?

For I am Crucified With Christ

“For I am crucified with Christ, and yet I live, not I, but Christ lives within me.” This is the essence of Christianity. Not going to church, not singing songs, not fighting moral crusades, not even helping the poor. Christ living within me. That seems so incomprehensible, that Christ, God, the creator of the universe, lives within me. That it is not I that should be living any more, that it is not my sinful desires that should be living. Rather, it is Christ that should be living. I shouldn’t be living FOR Christ, Christ should be living IN me. If it were I living for Christ, there would be reason to boast, reason to fear, reason to plan. But, since it is not I living, but Christ living in me, there is not grounds for me to boast, for Christ is doing it, there is no fear of failure, since God cannot fail, there is no reason for me to plan, since God’s plan’s are higher than anything I could come up with. So, there is no requirement but to allow Christ to live within me, to allow God, the creator of all that there is, the one being who could do anything he so desired, to work through me. Me, a simple creature of this supreme being. Me, a person who constantly tries to live, instead of allowing Christ to live, to use my own strength, my own resources, instead of using his. Yet, there he is, waiting, wanting to live through me, to live within me.