Flailing

There are two reactions I get when I tell people that I am a college graduate and am becoming a trucker. For those who know me, there is generally laughter followed by the inevitable “Why?”. If they don't know me there is no laughter, just a perplexed look on their face and a “Why?”. I have yet to meet someone who says, “That makes sense” or “Of course you would do that”. My friends and family are of course supportive (although I'm not entirely sure if some of them don't think I'm crazy), but I still sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing. One of my instructors has been driving trucks for close to 50 years (along with doing other things), and it made me realize that that's not what I want. But I don't know what I want.

I think part of the problem is my friends have either started out on their careers, or they are well on their way and actually have plans. I feel like I am just standing still while I watch my friends go on with what is considered a “normal” life: Career goals, girlfriends (or nearly wives), finishing their education to move on, etc. etc. etc.. Am I just a failure at life, at such a young age? Or maybe I am simply evaluating life incorrectly. Regardless, I at times feel like a disappointment, a failure at life. Perhaps those around me simply have more confidence in their lives, or where they will end up.

I feel like I am deep in the middle of the ocean, not knowing which way is up, down, right, left. I move in one direction for a while, but nothing seems to change, just water everywhere, so I fruitlessly try another direction, and another, and another, until I eventually run out of air and sink.

Post #101

Well, I probably should of mentioned this on my last post, but I figured it was long enough as it was, but as the title indicates, this is my 101st post. And last month was my 4th year blogging. I guess some sort of anniversary. Let's see....101 posts in 4 years, that means I post on average 25 posts a year, which is a little more than twice a month, which I suppose is somewhat frequent, although more often than not I don't blog for a while, and then I have a flurry of activity where I blog a lot, and then go back to not blogging again for a while. I guess at the moment I am in one of the flurries where I am blogging a lot. I seem to blog more when I have a lot on my mind. Like now, when I am constantly thinking 2-3 years down the road. I know that I am setting forth right now on some new adventure, but I tend to think of it more of that, an adventure instead of some sort of career. It's something that I'll be doing for a couple of years, maybe three years, and then get on with life. My concern is what is that something. Am I going to get married? Am I going to have kids? Will I ever find something that I would want to do long-term, or will I be constantly changing jobs every few years, constantly striving for something? Will I ever find God, or will God ever find me? I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

Finally, I will leave you all with a quote, something that I haven't done for a while, but what the hell, why not?

"As soon as you can say what you think and not what some other person had thought for you, you are on your way to being a remarkable man."

-J. M. Barrie