I Want to Know What Love Is

"News". That was the subject waiting for me in my in box Monday morning from my dad. I opened it. It was only a short message, first asking how classes were going, then how my car was doing. It then went on to tell me that he(my dad) had moved out of my parents home, and that it was his decision. It ended with "Love, Dad".

So, my parents have separated. I don't think any actual divorce papers have been filed(at least not yet), but my parents have definitely separated, apparently due to my father's idea. Upon learning this I sat back in my chair and tears fell from my eyes down my cheek. Such a thing has not happened in many, many, years. I don't know why they are separating, but the fact remains that they have. I guess I am having some difficulty understanding how after 31 years of marriage(will be 32 on Friday) two people can separate. I had always assumed that after a certain point a couple was kind of divorce proof. Apparently I assumed wrong.

You may be wondering why I am posting this as a blog instead of maybe talking with some one about this in real life. Well, as you may know (or maybe you don't know) I don't exactly excel at talking about myself, my feelings, my life, in actual conversation. I guess I just never know how to bring such a thing up. That doesn't mean I don't want to talk about it, I just don't know how to start such a conversation.

I guess I don't really have anything else to say. My dad has moved out of our house, leaving my mom and brother and sister there. And even though I learned about this well over 12 hours ago I still find tears welling up in my eyes as I type this. I guess I am just left wondering if after 31(practically 32) years they couldn't make it work, is there much hope for me?

A quote from the show Scrubs keeps running through my head, from Dr. Cox(slightly edited for clarity) "the only way to be respected as a man is to be an island, you are born alone, you damn sure die alone. The point is, and you might want to jot this down, only the weak need help." I don't think it is terribly relevant, but as I sat there this morning with a couple of drops running down my face I couldn't help but think of it, and it has remained at the front of my mind ever since.

Graduating in 8 months

I turned in my graduation application today, paid my fee, and if nothing goes wrong, I will be graduating June 16th, 2007. Last week I had an interview at a bank for a part-time teller position. During the course of the interview one of the people asked me, “What is your goal?” I completely froze, not knowing what to say. Luckily something interrupted us, allowing me to think for a moment, which lead me to ask a clarifying question, “Do you mean employment wise?” That of course is what was meant, and I went on to explain how I would be so excited to be working for their bank for many years to come. It may seem kind of silly for me to even think that he may be asking something other than employment goals, but in my defense I am in college, and it seems like I am asked by, or made to think about, life goals constantly, so when one asks me what my goal is I automatically assume they are talking about life goals. I do of course have a ready answer for that question, but the answer isn’t one that I thought would look good for a job interview. My normal response is, “To retire at the age of 30” not because I actually think that I will obtain that, but it gives me something to say that usually evokes a smile or laugh. I am then usually asked what I plan to do after I retire. I don’t really have a set answer for that one, but I will often say something along the lines of, “Lay around the house, watch T.V., drink, eat, and be merry.” which usually evokes more laughter and/or smiles as they assume that I simply have no idea what I want to do and the conversation moves on. You can see why I wouldn’t have wanted to give that answer to an interview for a bank. I do have a more substantial goal in life, but it is much more nebulous and evokes questions which I do not have answers to, thus I stick with my other answer.

I want to change the world. I remember the first time I said that, it was when I wanted to be in politics, and I was asked why I wanted to be in politics, I replied bright eyes and naive, “I want to change the world.” It was easier to answer follow-up questions when I wanted to be in politics, but now I have to admit that I really just don’t know how, or in what form, or what part of the world. Of course, with this goal, a goal that I have had for many years, I am starting to ask myself, “Why?”, “What’s the point?”, “Does it even matter?”. These are questions that, when posed by myself, I simply shrug my shoulders and say, “I don’t know.” Thus, I stick with my much simpler and lighter answer.

Living

First a quote: "The proper function of man is to live, not to exist. I shall not waste my days in trying to prolong them. I shall use my time." -Jack London. I know that it is at the top of my page, but some of you may not have noticed that I changed the quote up there, along with the name, so I thought I would throw it in here. Next I pose some questions, along with some thoughts on them:

What is the point in this whole thing called life? Is it truly to just eat, drink, and be merry? Living for that seems to be such an empty life. Or are you supposed to focus more on family and friends? That seems like perhaps a more meaningful life, but it still seems all for naught. Am I supposed to help people or just look after my own interests? Should I care that there are thousands of people dying each day of starvation and malnutrition while I throw away excess food? Should I care that there are thousands of people being raped and murdered everyday, should I try to do anything about it, or should I just ignore it so long as such things don’t interfere with me? Should I care that men women and children are kept at subsistence and made to work in inhumane conditions so that I can clothe my self and furnish my apartment more cheaply? I suppose if I knew why I was here I would be able to find answers to these questions.

Also, if I knew such a thing I might be able to have some idea as to what I might be doing with this thing I call my life. As it stands my calendar has on it my graduation in June and then my death at some point in the future. If I am on this earth simply to have a good time then I certainly would feel a lot better about not having a plan because you can have a great time through life without having a plan. However, I can’t seem to shake the feeling that I was put here, we all were put here, for something more. That perhaps we are supposed to do something with these lives of ours. Although if there is a purpose I don’t know what it is, nor where it would come from.

I shall end with a quote for no other reason than I was reminded of it while typing this: "All your life an unattainable ecstasy has hovered just beyond the grasp of you consciousness. The day is coming when you will wake to find, beyond all hope, that you have attained it, or else, that it was within your reach and you have lost it forever."
-C. S. Lewis, from The Problem of Pain