Confidence

As far back as I can remember I've lacked any real confidence in my self. I remember when I went to high school, after being home schooled for a while, I was convinced that they would realize that I wasn't nearly smart enough, or knew enough to be there, and kick me up. Doing well the first year didn't seem to help much either, because then I went into honors English, and I was sure the teacher would realize that I didn't really deserve to be there, the same happened in Junior year in A.P. History, and then in A.P. English come Senior year. Come college, I was pretty sure that I wouldn't be prepared at all, and I would be working like crazy in my classes to catch up. My new anxiety is my new job. I'm pretty sure that in a week or two my supervisor will come to me saying, "Wow, you really did lie during that interview" as she shows me the door.

Why do I go through life like this? Especially since all of my other fears have been unfounded? I mean, I graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA, I currently have a 3.7 in college, at all of my other jobs I have always been thought of very highly, so there seems to be very little from my past to always think that I am going to fail. But maybe it doesn't really matter what you think, but instead what other people think. If other people think you are confident and know what's happening, they will believe that you do, even with no evidence. I remember a few summers ago when Galen, Matt and I went on a road trip to California. We met this woman who owned a restaurant on the beach, and she was giving us some advice on things to do and see. She told us of this hotel (I don't remember the name of it), it is a very fancy and expensive hotel in LA, and she told us that when we go in there, act like we belong there, like we own it, even though we were wearing t-shirts, shorts and sandals, but if we acted like we belonged there then no one would question it. Maybe that's how we are supposed to go through life, even when we are sure like we don't belong, when we are sure we will fail, and can't possibly do the job, we just fake it and all will be all right. That of course is ridiculous, I can just imagine a firefighter who didn't know how to do anything. People would die because of his lack of ability, no matter how hard to was able to fake competence. Well, I guess so long as no one's life is in my hands I'll just keep faking confidence, hoping no one know that I really don't know what's going on.

I suppose I'll end this rambling with some humor, "The only thing that sustains one through life is the consciousness of the immense inferiority of everybody else, and this is a feeling that I have always cultivated." - Oscar Wilde