Peace

I have been reading a lot about Buddhism recently, and at one point while I was thinking about some of the parallels between Christianity and Buddhism it dawned on me that the real crux of how both religions teach us to live is love and compassion. Both teachers told us that the way to treat our fellow man is with love and compassion, don't hate, don't hurt, to exclude. Also, while reading about Buddhism I've learned a little about Hinduism, and they also seem to teach love, and then I looked into Islam, and it also teaches love for people. If you take the people who say they follow these religions, it comes up to about ¾ of the world. And that portion has probably been about accurate for the past while, so why then so much war? So much killing? So much hatred? Don't tell me that it is that remaining ¼ (most of whom do follow a religion, and I would be willing to bet that they teach love as well, I just haven't looked into them), those ¾ are doing a hell of a lot of this, they are ignoring some of the basic teachings of what they say they believe. Why?

Of course no one expects followers to be perfect. Those religions hold up a pretty high standard, but even the occasional slip from the followers wouldn't be enough to explain all of this hatred. I know it is difficult to love your neighbor as yourself (your neighbor being everyone, of course), or to love your enemy and bless those who persecutes you, but isn't it equally difficult to ignore such commandments 24/7? If people truly believed what they say they believe, then shouldn't people be striving for this high standard constantly, and when they fall, get back up and keep on loving?

Something written by Scott Adams in his book “God's Debris” has stuck with me for a while, so I thought I would share it, “Four billion people say they believe in God, but few genuinely believe. If people believed in God, they would live every minute of their lives in support of that belief. Rich people would give their wealth to the needy....A belief in God would demand one hundred percent obsessive devotion, influencing every waking moment of this brief life on earth. But your four billion so-called believers do not live their lives in that fashion, except for a few. The majority believe in the usefulness of their beliefs – an earthly and practical utility – but they do not believe in the underlying reality.....it is not belief to say God exists and then continue sinning and hoarding your wealth while innocent people die of starvation. When belief does not control your most important decisions, it is not belief in the underlying reality, it is belief in the usefulness of believing.” Maybe he's right, and that's why there is so much hatred and killing in this world. I just don't know, nor what to do about it.



“Smiling is very important. If we are not able to smile, then the world will not have peace. It is not by going out for a demonstration against nuclear missiles that we can bring about peace. It is with our capacity of smiling, breathing, and being peace that we can make peace.”
Thich Nhat Hanh

I have been thinking a lot about my friends recently, and I realized that I don't really let them know how I feel enough, I don't let them know how much I value and appreciate their friendship. It's something that I really need to work on. So, if you by chance are one of my friends reading this, just know that you are loved and that I do value the fact that you are in my life.

It's weird to think that in just a short 6 years and a few months I'm going to be 30. Don't worry, I'm not already freaking out about turning 30 (I'll do that in another year or two). I only mention it because when I think about being 30, for some reason that sort of seems like the end. Not so much that I'm going to die, but I feel like that if I haven't done it by then, I never will. It is of course ridiculous, when I turn 30 I'll still have another good 30 years or so left. But when I think about my possible lives for the next 3-5 years I keep thinking about turning 30 and how I need to do everything I want to do in the next 3-5 years, or it's not going to happen. I probably should just relax and try to enjoy this moment in time more, and not constantly think about the next moment.

In the past few weeks I have really started investigating Buddhism. Particularly Zen Buddhism (or Chan Buddhism if you're Chinese). I'm not saying that I am a Buddhist, but I wouldn't be surprised if I started adopting much, if not all, of Zen Buddhist's philosophy. And before any of you start worrying, that does not mean that I'll be getting statues of Buddha and rubbing its belly, and prostrating myself in front of it, or praying to the Buddha, or anything like that. But it may mean becoming a vegetarian (Buddha taught to value and have compassion on all living things, not just humans. It isn't necessarily a strict vegetarian belief, but it becomes more difficult to justify the killing of animals for your food if you have compassion and value their lives). I don't know how the whole vegetarian thing would work with being a truck driver, since there probably aren't too many vegetarian options at Truck stops, but we'll see. I'm still trying to learn more about it and really understand it fully. Although it is difficult since it is quite a different philosophical mindset than what I am used to. I currently have 3 books on the topic. One of them is more a guide to meditation and Zen practice. One of them is from a more religious bent on Buddhism, where they advocate praying and bowing to Buddha statues (Zen Buddhism considers itself more a philosophy than a religion). The last one I have is I think the best, because it goes through many of the concepts and teachings of Buddha, and also talks about what the main point of Buddhism is. I doubt I'll ever be able to buy into the whole reincarnation thing, but it doesn't really seem like at least Zen Buddhism emphasizes that much anyway(at least the two books about Zen I have make very little mention of it) and from my meager understanding, it doesn't seem like it is all that important of a concept anyway. Anyhoo, I just wanted to give you all an update on that front of my life, and I'll try to keep yall update as necessary.

Finally, this past month or so I have felt more at peace with life than I have in a long time. Let's hope that continues.

Flailing

There are two reactions I get when I tell people that I am a college graduate and am becoming a trucker. For those who know me, there is generally laughter followed by the inevitable “Why?”. If they don't know me there is no laughter, just a perplexed look on their face and a “Why?”. I have yet to meet someone who says, “That makes sense” or “Of course you would do that”. My friends and family are of course supportive (although I'm not entirely sure if some of them don't think I'm crazy), but I still sit here and wonder what the hell I'm doing. One of my instructors has been driving trucks for close to 50 years (along with doing other things), and it made me realize that that's not what I want. But I don't know what I want.

I think part of the problem is my friends have either started out on their careers, or they are well on their way and actually have plans. I feel like I am just standing still while I watch my friends go on with what is considered a “normal” life: Career goals, girlfriends (or nearly wives), finishing their education to move on, etc. etc. etc.. Am I just a failure at life, at such a young age? Or maybe I am simply evaluating life incorrectly. Regardless, I at times feel like a disappointment, a failure at life. Perhaps those around me simply have more confidence in their lives, or where they will end up.

I feel like I am deep in the middle of the ocean, not knowing which way is up, down, right, left. I move in one direction for a while, but nothing seems to change, just water everywhere, so I fruitlessly try another direction, and another, and another, until I eventually run out of air and sink.

Post #101

Well, I probably should of mentioned this on my last post, but I figured it was long enough as it was, but as the title indicates, this is my 101st post. And last month was my 4th year blogging. I guess some sort of anniversary. Let's see....101 posts in 4 years, that means I post on average 25 posts a year, which is a little more than twice a month, which I suppose is somewhat frequent, although more often than not I don't blog for a while, and then I have a flurry of activity where I blog a lot, and then go back to not blogging again for a while. I guess at the moment I am in one of the flurries where I am blogging a lot. I seem to blog more when I have a lot on my mind. Like now, when I am constantly thinking 2-3 years down the road. I know that I am setting forth right now on some new adventure, but I tend to think of it more of that, an adventure instead of some sort of career. It's something that I'll be doing for a couple of years, maybe three years, and then get on with life. My concern is what is that something. Am I going to get married? Am I going to have kids? Will I ever find something that I would want to do long-term, or will I be constantly changing jobs every few years, constantly striving for something? Will I ever find God, or will God ever find me? I guess I'll just have to wait and find out.

Finally, I will leave you all with a quote, something that I haven't done for a while, but what the hell, why not?

"As soon as you can say what you think and not what some other person had thought for you, you are on your way to being a remarkable man."

-J. M. Barrie

On Life, Faith, and Sleeplessness

Well, today is my last day at Sterling Savings Bank. After tonight my life will completely change, for better or worse. I know this has been coming for a while, but it didn't really seem real until this morning when I talked to the Swift recruiter, confirming everything was in order and ready for me to drive to Lewiston on Tuesday. To be honest, I am quite scared, but also excited, nervous, anxious, terrified, and any other words that mean that. When I lay my head down at night to sleep this mix of emotion keeps running through my mind. I try to silence it, but I can't, I end up lying there for a while thinking, “Am I making a huge mistake?” I try to think of something else, maybe a little less scary, but nothing really comes to mind. I keep going back and forth on this theme until eventually I fall asleep. I guess I'll find out Wednesday whether I am making a huge mistake.

Of course it isn't just trucking that is keeping me up at night. When I'm not thinking about the possibly huge mistake I'm making I'm thinking about God. I want to believe in God, I try to believe, but in the end I don't. I hear that you need to start with faith, but how do you do that? How do you just make yourself believe? How do I make myself accept that there is a God, that Jesus is His son and I should believe in them, when I can find no evidence? When I can't make my mind or heart accept it? If it was simply a matter of going through the motions, going to church, singing songs, praying, I would probably do that, if for no other reason than I don't want to go to hell, but it isn't. Paul was quite clear that you must have faith, and I simply don't. And I don't know how one gets faith. So I call myself an agnostic. I don't really know if that is the right word for me, but I like it better than Atheist. See, I do believe there is something beyond that which we can see, taste,touch, hear, taste. Maybe it is the “spirit world” or maybe it is the soul, or whatever, which I suppose may make me a spiritualist, but that word conjures up pictures of healing crystals and all, so I don't want to call myself that. I guess I am just me, not agnostic, nor a spiritualist, not an atheist, just me, with what I believe, or don't believe....whatever that may be.

Sure this is long, but I didn't know where else to put it

Anyone who has taken an intro class of psychology can tell you of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, which basically states that humans have levels of needs, and once one set of needs is fulfilled, the next higher level kicks in. This idea is usually represented by a pyramid, with the lower level needs on the bottom of the pyramid, while those higher needs are higher up the pyramid. Unless those needs on the lower levels are fulfilled, one is not concerned about the higher needs. For instance, if one does not have anything to eat, one is not concerned about sex, morality, self-esteem, or much of anything else. On the other hand, if you have you physiological needs met (i.e. Food, air, water, sex, friendship, etc.) you will be able to move onto higher levels of self-actualization. While there are plenty of detractors of his theory, and refinements, I do like this theory because it makes a lot of intuitive sense.

But, I've been thinking, if this theory, at least broadly, applies to humans, what about society at large? Well, think about it, for almost all of human history humans have been part of society, and if you asked most people throughout history they would have considered themselves as part of their society, whether it be a village, town, group, etc. However, within the past few hundred years, at least in America, and other western nations, humans have been taught that the individual is all that matters, and as individuals, we are separate from everyone else. While this is all well and good, it hardly seems to fit within human behavior. Humans thrive on others. Even introverts such as myself need other humans around. We are not a bunch of individuals, but rather a group of people who depend on each other, and need each other to survive. Psychological tests have shown that without other people, humans actually go rather insane. So, obviously, we are not just a bunch of individuals, but rather parts of a whole society, whether that society be a tribe, village, town, city, state, or nation.

So, what does this mean, and how am I tying all this in with Maslow? Well, at the bottom of Maslow's hierarchy of needs, we find physical needs, and then at the top we find self-actualization. If you look at humans history, we find a constant quest for more physical things. More food, more clothing, just more things. There were of course small groups of people within most societies who were able to pursue self-actualization, but society as a whole was still far down Maslow's hierarchy. But, recently, say in the past 50-100 years, Western societies have moved far beyond this constant quest for physical needs. We have more food, clothing, shelters, etc. than any other society up to this point. And what's more, there are fewer people needed to produce these vast amounts than ever before. So, what do we do with this remarkable position we find ourselves? We continue to quest for more productivity, for the ability to make more with less. And why do we do this? So we can have even more stuff. You can't really blame us for doing this. I'd say that it is probably in our nature to do so, since all throughout human history this has been a constant struggle for us, so of course we are going to continue to do so, even when we have little need to increase productivity. What does this mean? We have moved above the lower levels of Maslow's hierarchy, not as individuals, but as a society as a whole.

Throughout history there of course has been individuals and classes who were able to leave behind the lower levels of Maslow's hierarchy, but ours is the first to ever reach such a state as a society as a whole. Thus, it would seem appropriate that as a society we must, together, rise up Maslow's pyramid to reach some sort of society-actualization. What does that mean? Maybe, as a society, we can use our resources and vast productive capabilities to reach some sort of actualization. Instead of just producing more and more we can do something, or perhaps many things, that can change the world, benefit humanity. We of course have done some. After WWII, it seemed like we wanted to do this. We had the might and will to do spectacular things. We could bring democracy and peace to the world. We didn't of course, instead we used our position, and continue to do so, to increase our productivity. But think about what we could do! Think about what we've already done.

We went to the moon. The fucking moon! It was the first time a human walked on something other than the earth. The first time when something other than the earth was not the biggest influence, gravity wise, on a human. We went to the fucking moon! We also wiped polio out of America, tuberculosis, the scourge of humans for generations, is now all but a memory in America. When we want to, we can do so much. And not only can we, but I believe we as a people want to. When JFK said we were going to the moon people cheered. Sure, there was the underlying idea that we needed to do it before the Russians got there, but I doubt there were many people thinking about Russians when they saw Neil Armstrong step foot on the moon and utter those famous words “That's one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind”. No, there were probably thinking “We landed on the fucking moon!” Even when they had nothing to do with it, they swelled with pride, they felt more fulfilled, more actualized as a society.

Landing on the moon, curing diseases, etc. were isolated incidents, but why can't we strive for such things continuously and purposefully. Set up research labs to cure other diseases, expand our explorations into the solar system and the universe even further. I know you are probably thinking that we could, but that it would just cost too much, but that's my point. Yes, it would cost a lot, but we could do it. We have the money, the productivity, the resources, sure we would have to divert some of these things to improving the world, but wouldn't it be worth it? Sure, we'd have a few less doodads and widgets floating around, but we could without those, and think what we would gain. Not only cures and greater enlightenment, but also society-actualization, which, after all, is what this post has been about since the beginning.

Life---

Well, One month from today I am leaving for Swift Driving school. I've already given my notice at Sterling (Basically a 5 week notice, although one of those weeks I will be in Iowa). After that I will be starting my new life. For some unknown reason I want to get drunk every night of December, since I won't be doing much drinking while I'm driving (the alcohol limit for a trucker is .04), so I figured I should get as much in as possible. The one concern I have is alcoholism, which my grandfather had, and by which he killed himself. although, the one comfort I have is that I would be forced to give up my alcoholic ways once I started trucking. And one month as an alcoholic would be fun. Although I wouldn't beable to afford the top shelft stuff, I would be stuck with the cheap stuff. At least cheap whisky is drinkable.

In other news, there really is no other news. I want to be more open with people, but I'm constantly afraid of rejection, or being alone. (If I soulnd like I'm beating a dead hourse, feel free to skip this section) So I'm trying to be more open, more talkative, allowing people to see more of me, at least in small doses. Tests, if you will. If they seem to reject me I will probably retreat back into my shell, hidden forever, if they (they being humans in generally) accept what they see, then maybe I might reveal more of myself, and maybe, one day I might not feel terrified of being myself infront of other people. After watching much television I'm pretty sure this is a universal trait (atleast among TV writers). I got to wondering why this is, I figured that people are just afriad of being alone. See, we humans are prone to judgements and fear of those things that are different from us. Thus, it is perfectly reasonable for us to protect ourselves against the judgement and fear of others, since if we invoke such things, they will leave us, and we will be alone. And we humans are not meant to be alone, even those of us who enjoy being alone most of the time....we still still need friendly, loving human contact every once in a while. thus it is terrifying, but I think necessary to, to display one's trueself to the world.

Well, I know I am repeating myself at this point, so I might as well sign off for now. Maybe I'll sign in sometime soon, although I will probably be drunk (I wonder if you can tell).