The Parable of the Lost Son

"Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. I am no longer worthy to be called your son; make me like one of your hired men." Luke 16:18+19

I've been thinking a lot lately about the parable of the Prodigal Son, the story that has brought hope to billions over the past two thousand years. Why doesn't it do the same for me?

I can see myself on that road, walking in my raged clothes and tattered shoes to my father's house. I see the house in the distance and suddenly a man appears running towards me. After a few moments I can tell it's my father, the one I left, the one that I forsook. I think he is angry at first, and rightfully so, but then I see the love and joy lighting up his face. When I see that I stop dead in my tracks unable to move. He reaches me and throws his arms around me, bringing me close. I start saying what I had prepared earlier, but I can't get it out between the sobs. He then holds me at arms length so he can look at my face. He attempts to wipe some of the dirt off of me, and that's when I look into his eyes, those eyes that are filled with love, forgiveness, and genuine joy over my return, not with the hate, anger, disappointment that I so richly deserve. I can't take it anymore, I break from my father's warm embrace and run. Not towards the house, but away from it. Away from my father, away from his love, his forgiveness. I can hear him calling for me, pleading that I come back, that all is forgiven, that he loves me, he wants me near him, but that just makes me run all the faster.

I have felt like crap for quite some time now, wanting desperately to go back to God, but not being able to go. It isn't pride. I know I am nothing, I know that I will never be able to come close to God, nor can I in anyway make myself desirable towards God. It is more like shame. My favorite verse, actually at the top of my blog, says that Jesus isn't ashamed to call me His brother, but I know that He should be. I was given this gift from God, forgiveness, communion with Him, being able to be called a child of the creator of the universe, and I turn my back on it and I forsake God, and this is hardly the first time. Do I just go back and I act like nothing happened? I know God forgets, but I haven't, I can't.